A year of not buying books, the conclusion and reading plans for 2024

Posted on December 27, 2023 by bookbii

On 4th December 2022 I decided I wasn’t going to buy books for a year. 4th December 2023 came around and…yes, I had managed not to buy any books for a whole year. I was going to blog about it but it didn’t seem so important anymore. As of today I still haven’t bought myself any new books. It’s kind of easy now, I have got out of that reflexive habit and when I see a book I want to read I can wait. I have to wait because I still have a vast library of unread books and after a year of patience I don’t want to build that back up again.

However, I suppose a little celebration is in order. So…go me!

Ha ha! Yes it all feels rather anticlimatic, and that’s probably the best outcome. I don’t feel like I need to go off and fill my shelves. Instead I am learning to explore what I already have (and when desperate, to visit the library). It all feels a lot more balanced.

So, how much progress have I made? At the outset I had 278 unread books on my shelves. I thought there were less, but hadn’t counted everything (I suspect I still haven’t quite counted everything). As at today I have 215 unread books. My unread library has reduced by 63 books. Of those I have read 42, I DNF’d 1 and I decided to donate 20. A big portion of those donated are the Penguin Great Loves collection which, in the end, I just couldn’t face anymore. I read, I think, 5 of those and that was enough.

I have, of course, acquired a few books in December. My plan was always for my husband to take me to the local bookshop and buy me a book on my birthday. Then he bought me 2! It was a strange feeling to be able to freely browse the shelves, but also anticlimatic because I have got so strongly into the habit of not wanting to buy books that when it came to the day there wasn’t a great deal I was interested in. Perhaps now, having nixed my impulsive habit, I can build a more positive and nurturing relationship with book browsing and buying. Anyway, these were the books he bought me:

He also kindly bought me some books for Christmas, bringing my total acquisitions up to 5:

With Bob Moss, my artistic mushroom companion

I am looking forward to reading these. I have already started on Super-Infinite and it deserves all of the plaudits. It is also making me want to read John Donne.

So what are my plans for 2024? In general I like to keep things a bit loose, I am pretty bad at sticking to plans and structures. However, I still have a lot of book series sitting on my shelves so I think I’d like to work through those. I also have a lot of poetry, none of which counted into my 278 (!) and I am thinking about picking a poet per month and getting to know them a bit better. I also want to maintain my book frugality until my unread collection is at least below 100, so whilst I may buy a book here and there, I think I want to limit it to no more than 1 per month, if I can, and where possible continue to partake of the pleasure that is the library. There are certain writers I’d like to get to know a bit better, so if the opportunity arises I will read more of those.

The only plan I have which isn’t exactly loose is the January chunkster. For the past few years I have picked a chunky, difficult book for my January reading, happy if it takes the full month for me to get through. There is something about the long, dark nights of January that seem to make it possible. It’s always a strange experience. At first, restless. Then, when I settle, nurturing. Like switching from those rich Christmassy foods to a diet of salads and soups. Eventually it’s all you want. At the moment I am not sure whether to attempt The Books of Jacob or Jon Fosse’s Septology, both seem to have the right aura for the chunky January read. Any recommendations?

One thing I’m not sure I will be doing much is blogging. Despite my good intentions I find it very hard now to put fingers to keys and express what I think about books and reading. I don’t know if it’s because I’m busy or scatty or just that this part of my life is no longer a thread that I should follow. I suspect I will pop up here and there, and I will still read other blogs when I can, I enjoy it. But writing? I don’t know. I think that bit of me is a bit broken and I don’t have the energy or the time to nurture it back to health. So I will see, but no pressure. There’s no point committing to something I am sure I will fail at.

So I wish you all a rich and enjoyable 2024, may your lives be filled with fascinating books. I look forward to reading about them.

Health and happiness to you all xxxxx

Posted in A year of not buying books, personal reflection | Tagged , , , , , , | 9 Comments

[Interlude] My Zoe Journey

Posted on October 30, 2023 by bookbii

For those who have followed my blog over the last year or so, you’ll be aware that I am something of a fan of Prof. Tim Spector and his very sensible ideas about diet. After reading Food for Life – the new science of eating well by Tim Spector, and listening to a bunch of Zoe podcasts I almost subscribed to Zoe but didn’t because I was a bit concerned that I might develop some sort of disordered eating and I put the idea to one side. Then after my brother’s unexpected death from heart failure I decided perhaps the risk of an eating disorder was preferable to the risk of coronary disease and I signed up in April. I signed up for the full thing: the testing and 12 months follow up support. It’s not cheap, perhaps comparable to the cost of a year’s membership to a gym, but I was hoping it’d be worth it. My testing kits arrived in mid-July and I got started. I’ve been at it three months now, which is a good time to stop and reflect on how it’s all been going and what I’ve learned. There’s a lot to absorb. This is my (relatively) quick summary of how it’s been so far.

Phase 1: Testing

Testing is the thing that makes Zoe really different to other diet/nutrition plans, or at least those that I have encountered elsewhere. Your Zoe journey starts with a big yellow box full of nicely packaged little kits and lots of very detailed instructions. There’s an app as well, which I’ll get onto later. The kits all look very professional and the instructions on their use are pretty clear, though I recommend reading them a few times before you try any of the tests. There are three main parts to the testing.

Part 1: the blood glucose monitor

To see how your body responds to sugar you’re supplied with a blood glucose monitor. You have to attach this to your arm and leave it there for a couple of weeks. The monitor continually tracks your blood sugar levels, though this does mean that you have to leave your phone, with the tracking app running, close by at all times over the 2 week period. Attaching the monitor is a bit daunting, but it is pretty easy to do and once it’s fixed in place you soon forget that it’s there. There’s a lovely bright yellow plaster with the Zoe logo emblazoned on it which you stick over the sensor and gradually peels off over the course of the 2 weeks. Very discreet!

Once the monitor is attached you just leave it to do its business, tracking what spikes your blood sugar and what doesn’t. It’s hard not to watch it all the time out of sheer curiosity! Alongside the monitor there are a bunch of tests you can do which test how your body responds to things like sequencing (fats before carbs/sugars and vice versa), the impact of exercise before and after eating, and food combining. The apps suggests some foods for each category and I would highly recommending choosing these foods very carefully because you have to eat a lot of them over the course of the first week. I choose oats and peanut butter, because the combine well, but regretted it later. Eating three tablespoons of peanut butter is much harder than I could have expected, and peanut butter porridge gets old very fast indeed. I found myself wishing I’d chosen bread and cheese – two things I rarely get bored of.

Part 2: the muffins

Your kit comes with two packs of muffins. On one day, probably one when you’re at home and able to stick to a very strict timetable, you have to eat a pack of three muffins for breakfast and the other pack of two for lunch. Afterwards you can have a normal dinner. The time gap between the two meals is precisely timed, and you have to eat each pack of muffins within a fifteen minute window. This sounds super easy but I only just made it with the breakfast muffins (eating them with some fluid is a must), though the lunchtime muffins were easier. The breakfast muffins are probably one of the worst things I have ever eaten – highly sugary and very dry. I had to force them down, it was most unpleasant. At a fixed time after eating the lunchtime muffins you need to do a blood test and then you can go back to normal life. These tests are designed to determine how your body responds to sugars and fats, and how well it processes them. More on that later.

Bleugh

I have heard that Zoe have since replaced their muffins with cookies, which I believe are easier to eat. I would not want to repeat the muffin experiment again! I was so worried I hadn’t done the blood test properly but despite my fumbling it was all okay.

Part 3: the poop sample

I’d like to say this was my least favourite part of the testing, but the muffins were still worse. Still, taking a poop sample is not fun, This tests the health of your microbiome. You don’t need to hear any more about it, whatever you’re imagining is probably fairly accurate. It was not pleasant.

My experience of testing day was quite stressful and I was glad when it was over. Self-testing is nerve wracking; I spent the whole day thinking I had done it wrong and worrying I would have to repeat tests later because I didn’t send a big enough sample or I’d messed up in some way. Those worries probed unfounded, thankfully, but this part of the experience was a bit of a trial. On the other hand I absolutely loved having the blood glucose monitor. It didn’t bother me at all and watching my graphs over the course of a day was quite fascinating.

A very craggy graph

Phase 2: Tracking

Once you’ve sent your tests off it takes a few weeks for the results to come back. In the meantime you’re encouraged to use the app to track your meals and there are lots of ‘lessons’ which are designed to prepare you, explain the science and help you to develop healthier habits. Until you get your test results the food tracking doesn’t tell you much but it does get you into the habit of keeping a record of what you eat.

The lessons are very short and quite punchy. My daughter, looking over my shoulder one day, said she didn’t like them because she felt they were reprogramming my mind! I could see why she would say that. The lessons cover all sorts of things from food science, habit breaking and making, emotional eating, how to feed your gut microbiome (and why to care about it in the first place), as well as testing your knowledge and understanding of the material. Everything is very science based, and often stated quite simply so I think most people could easily follow then information. I have mixed views on the lessons. Some of them have been great and have really stuck with me, others have felt a bit broad-brush and not entirely relevant. For example: in the lessons about emotional eating they ask if you recognise the cues for emotional eating i.e. if it is something you’ve experienced. When I am anxious / emotional I feel sick and I can’t eat anything, so I’m the opposite of an emotional eater! However when I said I didn’t experience emotional eating it still went through the lesson as though I did. The lessons are all maybe 3 minutes long, so it wasn’t exactly a problem, but it did make it feel a bit impersonal. That being said, that’s a minor issue and most of the lessons are very imformative. I was surprised that the lesson which has stuck with me the most was one about taking a moment to feel gratitude for your body. As someone who is never satisfied with my body (I’m female, after all) that felt both ookie and revelatory. I have thought about it often. I don’t often think of my physical self in the positive, but actually my body is pretty strong and resilient and I am probably about as healthy as I’ll ever be and perhaps I can spend a moment being thankful for that.

Phase 3: the results

After an anxious wait you finally get your results! Lots of huge emails and lots of data to absorb. This is where Zoe really takes off. You get a score for blood sugar control, blood fat control and a microbiome score. Also if you fill out the diet information in the app then you get a diet assessment too. I was very excited to get my results, but I warn you they take a lot of absorbing. My results were:

Blod sugar control: Poor 😦

Blood fat control: Good

Microbiome score: Excellent

Diet assessment: Good

Like everything in Zoe you get both a rating and a score. Having seen my blood glucose monitor results I was not hugely surprised about my blood sugar control. Neither was I that surprised about my microbiome score. I have been making my own kefir for well over a year now, I love fermenting things and so fermented foods are a big part of my diet. I also pay a lot of attention to my fibre intake. My microbiome diversity could still do with a little improvement. The blood fat control result surprised me. I always seem to have a just over the edge of okay cholesterol score so the idea tht my body processes fats well (but not excellently) really surprised me. I am wondering if part of the issue is that I’ve been eating the wrong kids of fats: animal based fats rather than plant based? Anyway, my next cholesterol check will be an interesting check in. I think I am now eating a lot more fat, but good fats like nuts and seeds and salmon rather than cheese.

The real eye-opener comes when you start to look at what this all means from an individual food persepective. A lot of things I thought were healthy are not healthy for me at all. Oats, for example. I have always thought of both porridge and overnight oats as really healthy breakfasts. Not for me. Oats score 42 for me – enjoy in moderation. Rice, my old friend, scores something between 4 for basic white rice (once in a while) and 28 for brown rice (enjoy in moderation). Bread, my fermented, delectable friend…not my friend at all. I have since discovered it is possible for me to eat bread I just need to choose very wisely. But adapting to a diet reduced in all of these things has been an interesting challenge.

Phase 4: learning how to eat the Zoe way

Once you get your scores the app really takes off. Most foods have a score and you can use this to start to plan a diet which is healthier for your body chemistry. The idea is not to restrict, nothing is off limits. Rather the approach is to be more creative – addition is better than removal. I can eat bread as long as I combine it carefully. For example I can have a wholemeal or seeded bread toasted with avocado smash or almond butter and that’s just fine. Tuna salad sandwich with a bit of hummus, also fine. I don’t generally eat white bread anyway, so it’s wholemeal all the way and if seeded that’s even better. Rice and oats I’ve replaced with pearl barley and barley flakes, both of which cause much less of a blood sugar spike for me.

Nothing is off limits, but at the same time there are foods which you still should avoid like the plague. There was one morning when I made a breakfast which was going to score me about 80 (enjoy freely). My hubby said “let’s add this bacon grill” which I did (of course bacon grill is something to avoid like the plague). I added it to my meal and the score dropped from a solid 80 to…zero! Bacon in all its forms is a big no, and ultra processed foods in general are going to give a low score. It doesn’t mean you can’t ever eat this stuff, basically you can eat whatever you want, but for optimal health you really want to be aiming for a score of 75+ on most days. This takes some time to adapt to.

The basic tenets of the Zoe approach are really quite simple. Eat for your body chemistry. Avoid ultra processed foods if you can. Add rather than subtract. Think about sequencing (try to spread out your fat), aim for 30 + portions of plants in a week and eat fermented foods. If you track your eating in the app then you can see what meals work for you and what doesn’t, there are coaches on hand if you need assistance and each week you get an ‘improve’ score which breaks down how much ultra processed food you’ve eaten, how many plants, how much protein and fibre you’ve had an the quality of the fats you’ve eaten. It’ll also recommend recipes for you, which you can add to your weekly plan. There’s a lot of support, but you need it because it really makes you overhaul your diet which isn’t easy.

A end of week summary

What’s the verdict?

Overall I’ve been very pleased with my Zoe journey, and glad I decided to embark upon it. It’s not been easy. The testing is challenging, and adapting to a changed diet is effortful. I spend a lot more time in the kitchen, though that is evening out a bit more. Meal planning has become more intensive. I have to juggle my dietary requirements with the dietary preferences of my family, which are quite different. No one else has done Zoe, which I’m glad for because I don’t know how we’d cope if we discovered that my husband had poor blood fat control but excellent blood sugar control, making us polar opposites. It is possible to strike a balance, it just takes some work.

It’s not cheap either, which makes it inaccessible to many. Aside from the initial cost, the dietary adaptation mean that more money is spent on fresh foods which are inherently more expensive. Good quality foods simply cost more. Getting hold of a wide range of foods is also more challenging outside of London. On one of the challenges they suggested a type of vegetable which you simply cannot get in the North of England. It makes it feel very middle class, which is sad because so many people would benefit from learning how to eat well for themselves. I find myself walking around the supermarket now feeling very depressed. Not because I can’t find the foods that I want (though barley flakes are an internet only proposition, sadly) but because so much of what supermarkets stock is just…bad. People will eat what is available, and what’s available is mostly rubbish.

You need to be confident in the kitchen, too. There’s a lot more cooking from fresh, though batch cooking does make this easier. Because my usual ‘healthy’ foods turned out to be so bad for me I had to experiment with alternatives. Not everyone is going to have the confidence to do this, and a failed experiment can be expensive. Another potential barrier.

On the plus side, I have felt…better. It’s hard to explain exactly. When I eat the Zoe way, when I manage to keep my scores high, I have a lot more energy. I am rarely hungry. My snacks have transformed – I don’t eat crisps anymore. I eat a lot more nuts and seeds, a wider variety of fruits and vegetables. As a woman in the early stages of perimenopause, I haven’t suffered with hot flashes or any of the usual side effects. I do have some emotional ups and downs but my sleep is good, I have no brain fog and I feel, in the main, strong. I don’t know if that’s the diet, but I do know I feel considerably better than I did back in June before my holiday. I was exhausted then. Now I have energy. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.

I haven’t become dysfunctional either. I was worried about that happening but I seem to have avoided it. I have had times when I’ve felt despondent, fed up and tired of thinking about it, but I got over that hump and now I just get on with it. I am still not getting 75+ scores every day, my average is around 70, but that’s okay. The perfectionist in me is learning to accept that each day is a learning experience and the more widely I range with my eating the more I will learn.

And my food is, honestly, pretty amazing. My meals now look much more like this:

A nice salad

and this

Barley pancakes

they’re varied and delicious and quite satisfying.

So I’m happy. I’m glad that I did it and if you can afford it, and you’re interested, I recommend it. I guess if you’ve read Tim Spector and it resonates then this is going to reasons to with you too. It is costly, you have to accept it, but it’s no more costly than my (climbing) gym membership. I’ve learned a lot and I’m still learning. It feels like a valuable investment in my health. In Zoe terms I would give it a score of ‘enjoy freely’ though I wish it were cheaper and more accessible, because it feels like this knowledge should be out there for more people to take advantage of.

Posted in nutrition, personal reflection, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 5 Comments

We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson #1962Club

Posted on October 20, 2023 by bookbii

After 20 books of summer I found myself a little worn out with book challenges, yet at the same time there’s a lot to be said about the structure it gives to my reading. When left to my own devices I can waft, linger, meander through my shelves. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I often find it difficult to choose the next book and even my kids make fun of me for it. I sometimes think that having a smaller library would make it easier, but I suspect I am kidding myself. So many books, so little time. Even less time when I faff around and waste what little there is.

So when I saw the 1962 Club on kaggsy’s blog, and realised I had exactly one book published in 1962 I figured it was probably a good opportunity to read it. And I was so glad I did. I had been languishing, struggling my way through another book. This, on the other hand, was a blast of fresh air.

I suspect many reading this blog have probably already read this book, I feel I have come to Shirley Jackson quite late in the day. We Have Always Lived in the Castle tells the story of the Blackwoods. sisters Mary Katherine, known as Merricat, who is the main protagonist of the story; her sister Constance and their Uncle Julian, who live together in the Blackwood mansion. Immediately as the book begins there is a sense that the Blackwoods are held in some reverence and contempt by the local villagers. Merricat, when she goes to do the shopping, is served first and quickly, but the villagers clearly do not like her. This, it seems, is linked to the terrible tragedy of their family, who died by arsenic poisoning one evening. Constance, who had cooked the meal, was prosecuted for but acquitted of their murder. Since then she has lived in isolation, not leaving the house. Uncle Julian was poisoned but survived, though not without continuing health problems which keep him, too, in the house. The family have lived a somewhat happy but isolated life since then, though it seems clear the local villagers hold some sort of deep seated grudge against them.

“If anyone came into Stella’s while I was there I got up and left quietly, but some days I had bad luck. This morning she had only set my coffee down on the counter when there was a shadow against the doorway, and Stella looked up, and said, “Good morning, Jim.” She went down to the other end of the counter and waited, expecting him to sit down there so I could leave without being noticed, but it was Jim Donell and I knew at once that today I had bad luck. Some of the people in the village had real faces that I knew and could hate individually; Jim Donell and his wife were among these, because they were deliberate instead of just hating dully and from habit like the others. Most people would have stayed down at the end of the counter, where Stella waited, but Jim Donell came right to the end where I was sitting and took the stool next to me, as close to me as he could come because, I knew, he wanted this morning to be bad luck for me.”

The Blackwoods live their days in routine and habit, living small but seemingly happy lives. They have only one visitor, Helen Clarke, who visits weekly for tea and is slowly encouraging Constance to think about leaving the house. Merricat is troubled by the idea of change, she is a creature who seems to live for her routine, but she senses there is a change in the air. This change comes quickly with the arrival of Cousin Charles, a relative of the Blackwoods who has been estranged since the murders and the trial, but who now is restoring contact since the deaths of his own parents. Merricat dislikes Charles immediately, but Constance is more accepting and with his presence things in the house start to change.

I won’t say any more about the plot for risk of spoilers, but needless to say things get rather tense and dramatic.

What is stunning about We Have Always Lived in the Castle is the characterisation. Merricat is quite an extraordinary character. She is young and naive, imaginative and wilful. She thinks and talks constantly of their ‘house on the moon’ where they will be happy and free. Yet she is also consumed by hatred and suspicion of the villagers. She breaks things and attempts acts of magic. She has a distinctive witchy quality, with her cat Jonas accompanying her everywhere except the village. She cannot brook the intrusion of cousin Charles, who she suspects from the beginning and whose desire to have things the way he wants overriding Merricat’s familiar life. From the intensity of the characterisation I wonder if Merricat is autistic, or at least somewhere on the spectrum. Whatever, it is certain that Merricat is different.

“It was important to choose the exact device to drive Charles away. An imperfect magic, or one incorrectly used, might only bring more disaster upon our house. I thought of my mother’s jewels, since this was a day of sparkling things, but they might not be strong on a dull day, and Constance would be angry if I took them out of the box where they belonged, when she herself had decided against it. I thought of books, which are always strongly protective, but my father’s book had fallen from the tree and let Charles in; books, then, were perhaps powerless against Charles. I la back against the tree trunk and thought of magic; if Charles had not gone away before three days I would smash the mirror in the hall.”

Constance on the other hand is more ordinary and homely. It seems implausible that someone so caring could have poisoned her family, and yet many believe it. Even Uncle Julian seems to skirt this belief, though Uncle Julian’s mental state is fragile and he often confuses Constance for other family members, and seems to believe that Merricat died with the others. What is true, however, is the love that exists between the remaining members of the family, most especially Constance and Merricat who seem to adore each other.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle is a truly excellent read. It is quite a short book, easy to read in a couple of focused sittings and so intriguing it is hard to put it down. It is tense and unsettling, toying with your suspicions but always in a way that makes you wonder who and what you believe. Merricat comes across as a unreliable narrator and yet she is also so honest and direct it is hard to credit that she might be untrustworthy. Constance is all kindness and acceptance and light. Yet she may have poisoned her whole family. Is Charles a golddigger, or does he genuinely want to reconnect with his family? Are the villages really as hateful and nasty as Merricat believes?

You’ll have to read it to find out. Meanwhile I thoroughly enjoyed this quick but instense read, which was exactly the breath of fresh air that I needed.

Posted in #1962Club, Uncategorized | Tagged , | 12 Comments

A year of not buying books: less than 2 months to go and unexpected book post….

Posted on October 15, 2023 by bookbii

My year of not buying books is flying by. I have less than 2 months to go now, soon it will be just 1 and then none and….then what? Not going crazy buying books, that’s for sure, but I am looking forward to setting foot in a bookshop and perhaps buying a book or two. I still have a list in mind; it is short and I want to keep it so. I don’t want to go crazy, and undo all the learning and effort. It isn’t really an effort now, I guess habits are pretty easy to break with a bit of mindfulness, but I also know it would be very easy to go back and repeat my errors of the past. I must cling on to my learnings.

And I have learned a lot. I have learned to be less impulsive and I have started to learn my limitations. I have learned I have a lot of great books, and I ought to appreciate them more. When I started I had 278 books on my unread list (actually I think that might be a slight underestimate). Now I have 244. I have read 34 of my own books so far this year. That’s not all I’ve read, of course, there have been a few library books too and the odd re-read, but not so much of that. One of the things I’d like to do when I get my backlog down to a manageable number is to re-read some more. I have a hankering to re-read Kristen Lavransdatter, and World Light, and maybe some Don DeLillo or Kawabata. This will all take valuable time. Time which takes me away from the backlog. I feel less oppressed by it now, but at my slow reading rate I still have a good few years of it ahead of me before I will reach that manageable number. I don’t have a firm figure in mind, but I’m thinking less than 50 unread books is probably a reasonable number.

And I have decided it’s completely okay to have a chunk of unread books. I saw something the other day and it said something about unread books being a treasure to be dipped into. I think it was a quote from Gladstone or someone like that, and I’ve probably represented it poorly here. But the sentiment is right. It’s okay to have a bunch of unread books. But only enough that I could read them within a year. Otherwise it feels like a waste.

Speaking of which, I have been thinking a lot about donating some of my books before the year is up. I recently did a little tidy up of my library and despite not adding to my piles it really is still brimming. I do hang on to books, even those that I’ve read I find hard to let go. But I think I need to let some go. There’s no point hanging on to a book I may or may not ever have time to read again. I have already segregated my library into those books which are absolute keepers, never to be let go, and those which I’m less certain of…and the unread ones of course. If I am going to accomodate new books in the future then I need to make space for them. My shelves are full to overflowing. It is beautiful, but unrealistic. So before the year is up I am going to attempt a bit of a cull. I may include some unread books in that, too. Maybe those Penguin Great Loves I have so disliked so far. I’m not sure I can bring myself to read the rest but they might be something of a treasure to the charity shop, particularly in the run-up to Christmas.

My library, looking fabulous

I also have a bunch of philosophy books that my younger self believed I was capable of reading and understanding. My perimenopausal self has a very different, and perhaps more realistic opinion. Sigh. Perhaps they will be the easiest ones to let go of.

Well that’s something to think about anyway. What I have noticed is that despite the fact that I still have over 200 books to choose from, they are narrowing down to becoming mostly chunksters or series and that means that my reading will slow even further. I have a habit of choosing the smaller books because I am focused on numbers, when in fact the volume is in the number of pages. Silly me. I haven’t helped myself by counting compendiums as single volumes. For example both The Balkan Trilogy and the Gormenghast books are counted as one in my list, but obviously each are comprised of three books and each are over 1,000 pages long!

Well these are small trials and I am capable of facing them. I think that once my year long ban is over I will limit myself to buying, say, no more than 10 books in a year, and I will buy them all new and if possible from my local bookshop. And maybe when my backlog is down to less than 200 I can up the number and when it’s down to less than 100 I can up the number again. I don’t want to be too proscriptive. I still want to buy books and support the authors and the booksellers, but I need to remember that there’s a cost to those books in time and at some point I have to pay it. It’s not enough to collect them and put them on the shelves. To really respect the authors, the effort they’ve put in, I need to read them. Ideally if I buy a book I should read it straightaway, that way it won’t languish for 5 – 10 years gathering dust on my shelves before I get around to it.

Speaking of new books, I have acquired two new books! This surprises me as much as it may surprise you. A couple of weeks ago a little parcel came through my letterbox. It had two books in it, published by And Other Stories. I used to be a subscriber but I haven’t been for a long time, maybe 4 or 5 years since I last subscribed. The books are recent publications: The Hunger of Women by Mariosa Castaldi and In Case of Loss by Lutz Seiler. I did not order these books. I am assuming these were sent in error. I wrote to the publisher but got only an automated email back. So I think I must add these to my backlog. They were unexpected, and I am not sure I would have chosen them, but they both sound rather interesting. Unless And Other Stories write back I guess I am keeping them, but I still have the packages just in case.

Accidental extra books

Maybe it was a little reward for having been so good. Perhaps that’s how I should look at it.

Well I need to be good a lot longer, but I think I can do it and I already feel much better about my library than I used to. Less oppressed by it. I’d like to say I’d saved a lot of money too, but instead I have spent all I’ve saved on fashion from Vinted and a new car! Maybe the book habit isn’t so bad after all!

Posted in A year of not buying books, personal reflection | Tagged , | 13 Comments

Osebol by Marit Kapla translated by Peter Graves

Posted on September 25, 2023 by bookbii

“The scenery here is dramatic.

There’s the low land

and then the river

and steep mountain sides.

and the houses…

It’s very special.”

I have long been a fan of ‘polyphonic’ non-fiction; works that collect word of mouth stories from people who have lived through or experienced something. Svetlana Alexievitch is, of course, the most famous of those polyphonic writers, with good reason. She has a way of capturing the personalities of the people she talks to. Often Alexievitch explores terrible events, and her books can be hard to read. Haruki Murakami also experimented with the form in Underground, which explores the sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway. Another quite harrowing story. Osebol deploys the same technique, but it is quite a different story. Written in short, poetic bursts it explores the lives of people living in a small town in Sweden, the Osebol of the title. It is a small town which is in decline,. Once a hub for forestry work it has suffered the declining fortunes of many a small village, in which depopulation, decline of services and tourism bear a heavy burden on those poeple who don’t want to migrate to cities.

“And you learn some truths

that hold equally well in the outside world…

it takes many people pulling in the same direction

to make things go well

but it only takes a few

pulling in different directions

for everything to go to hell.”

Osebol is the work of Marit Kapla, a journalist who herself grew up in Osebol, who moved away and came back and moved away again. Over the course of 2016 and 2017 she interviewed the residents of Osebol and translated their stories into this strangely affecting collection. It is at once beautiful, hopeful, soulful, nostalgic and sad. She talks to people who have been there their whole lives, people who have migrated there, people who have chosen this quiet, empty old town for those very qualities – its silence, its beauty, its isolation.

“I’ve got used to having space.

Both inside and out.

Freedom

and space

and then people…

In a place like this you don’t have people around you

you have individuals.

You get closer to one another.”

One of the powers of the polyphonic style is that it gives you a rounded picture of whatever it is that’s being explored. As you might expect, that means encountering a range of voices, views and opinions, not all of which may be palatable. The interviewees talk of their history, how they ended up in Osebol, how the town has changed. They talk of the bridge, which has been condemned but could be repaired with EU money. They talk of refugees, some of the interviewees are themselves refugees though not from the most recent migrations. They talk of hunting, of wolves, the closure of local banks, post offices, community centres. The way the children have to go to school in another town because there are no longer enough students to sustain something locally. The effect it has on the children, their confidence. How they don’t stay. What that means for the future of the place.

“The fact of it being a valley…

I think it’s very beautiful

especially the view down the valley.

But many people feel…

even in the commune they did…

lots of people weren’t happy

because it felt confined.

Couldn’t be doing with it.

Whereas others thought of it

as warm and protective.”

There is a sense of community, but a community which is being broken down. They are still clinging to something. Like all communities they have their good side and bad side. A distrust of strangers, a sense that some people, however long they stay, are still outsiders. And yet it is a friendly place. People are individuals, not just people. Everyone knows each other and each other’s business. They care for each other. They still have time, time and space. It is beautiful but brutal. The way it has changed, the way everything is slowly going to pieces, it saddens them.

This is a deceptively simple book, which is very deep and very complex. Nothing is foisted on you. Everyone who is interviewed is….human. They are complex, they have dreams and hopes, they have wants and needs. They feel something they once had is missing, and it grieves them. There is something lovely about it, and yet it is crushingly sad. No one really complains. They get on with life, stoically. As people do.

Many of the people interviewed have since died. I hope before they went they had chance to read what Kapla has written on their behalf. It is such a sweet book Sweet and nostalgic and melancholy in a way it’ll take me some time process.

Like all the best books do.

Posted in non-fiction, non-fiction by female writers, polyphonic, translation | Tagged , , , | 6 Comments

20 Books of Summer wrap up

Posted on September 4, 2023 by bookbii

20 books of summer is over. As expected, I didn’t manage to read 20 books, I pretty much knew that would be the case when I started. I am no longer the voracious reader I see myself as; instead I am a scrappy reader, fitting it in here and there where I can between all the other things that demand and command my attention. I no longer have those 1 ½ hours, my train commuting hours, each weekday to read as much as I can squeeze in. I have tried to adapt my routine, but it is too scattered. I am more scattered. And that’s okay. My life has changed, things have changed. Time to stop struggling against the past and start living how things are now. Acceptance has never been one of my strengths.

It also perhaps didn’t help that Pikmin 4 was released in July, as that may have swallowed some of my reading time. But it’s immense fun. I feel no guilt.

What I can say is that it’s been an interesting experience and one I have learned from. I am not a great fan of reading challenges, I don’t generally like to feel restricted (though weirdly I do enjoy a deadline, which overrides my tendency to procrastinate) and usually I would be looking at all those lovely other books that I want to read but can’t because…commitment. However, I think my other commitment to not buying books has curtailed the lure of the new, and instead I’ve felt quite relaxed. And I have weirdly enjoyed reading to a theme. At the beginning of 20 Books of Summer I decided to try to read some of my book series that I’ve acquired and left languishing over the years and I’ve largely stuck to that in my reading choices. I still have many, many more series to read, but it doesn’t seem such a daunting task now.

I also realised, as I approached the end and started to enumerate my list of reads, that I really ought to count my audiobooks. I’m pretty new to audiobooks. I started experimenting with them when I changed job and my commute (fortunately for me I am still hybrid working, so commute only a couple of days a week) became by car rather than by public transport. Instead of reading on my journey, I now listen to a book. Yet somehow I still can’t quite wrap my head around the idea of counting this towards a book challenge. That’s probably just me being mentally inflexible, after all I am still experiencing a book (would I not count it if I had to read in braille?) but it feels a bit like cheating. What I have learned is that audiobooks are a much different experience. Some books work better than others in audiobook form, and the narrator makes a huge difference. It’s taken me a while but I think I’ve largely figured out the kind of books that work for me. Over the summer I’ve been listening my way through a series of young adult murder mystery books – the Stevie Bell series by Maureen Johnson. I’ve long admired Maureen Johnson as a person, so it was nice to finally get around to experiencing her work.

So, without further ado, this is the list of books I’ve ‘read’ this summer:

Books I’ve read:

Book 1:  A Prayer for the Crown-Shy by Becky Chambers

Books 2 – 4: The Country Girls Trilogy by Edna O’Brien

Books 5 – 7: The Balkan Trilogy by Olivia Manning

Book 8: Four Seasons in Japan by Nick Bradley

Book 9: Titus Groan by Mervyn Peake (Book 1 of Gormenghast)

Book 10: Miami by Joan Didion (from the collection We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live)

Book 11: By the Pricking of Her Thumbs by Adam Roberts

Books 12 & 13: Psmith in the City & Psmith Journalist by P G Wodehouse

Audiobooks

Books 14 – 18: Truly Devious, The Vanishing Stair, The Hand on the Wall, The Box in the Woods and Nine Liars by Maureen Johnson

Book 19: Treacle Walker by Alan Garner

When I take into account the audiobooks, then, I almost reached 20 books. Still didn’t quite make the number, but close enough for me. As mentioned above, I have tried to stick to books which are a series or part of a series I’ve already started. The only books in my list which are not connected to a series are Four Seasons in Japan and Treacle Walker. They were both opportune picks – both became available from the library when they became available, so I had to just slot them in. I’m not sad about that either, they were both good reads. Listening to Treacle Walker made me want to go back and revisit Garner’s earlier books, which I haven’t read since childhood but remember being mystical and fantastic and utterly absorbing. Maybe one for winter.

Of the books that I read I struggled the most with Miami and Titus Groan. Titus Groan is an excellent read, but very slow and intricate. It needs concentrated attention. Consequently it took me a long time to read. I knew I would have to set it aside if I wanted to make progress on the book challenge (= the downside of book challenges + me) and I knew I would have to read something different if I was going to pick up the pace again. Unfortunately Miami just wasn’t it. I was in the wrong frame of mind and I found it difficult to keep track of all the various factions and threads Didion explores in her examination of the Cuban emigree community in 1960s/1970s Miami. That’s no fault of Didion’s, its an interesting book written in her ever-readable style. It’d be great read alongside something like DeLillo’s Libra, it has that whole JFK assassination / Bay of Pigs aura about it. That just wasn’t where my head was.

I was sad to set aside the Gormenghast books, and my plan is to return to it before winter and give it the space and time it needs to really appreciate it. I’m waiting for the audiobook to become free at the library. It occurred to me that it’s the kind of book that would work well in audiobook form and I plan to both listen and read, that way I can seep myself into the world more completely. My plan is to listen to Titus Groan and then start reading Gormenghast with the audiobook in support. Then I think I might watch the series, if I can track it down.

What I definitely haven’t felt like doing over summer is blogging. I don’t know why. I wax and wane, I guess. Instead I have been reading, playing Pikmin, working, doing a bit of climbing, getting my head around Zoe, going for walks in the rain, rain and rain. I went to Norway, of course, which was lovely. I needed a break. I think I still need a break. I don’t know why it is that my life feels so full and yet I seem to do and achieve so little. I am…busy. But not usefully so. I guess it is a part of this time of life. Maybe I need to learn to love it, though it doesn’t feel particularly loveable.

Anyway, if I’m still around and blogging next year I think I’ll try 20 books of summer again. Though I don’t love them, I’m not adverse to the odd reading challenge here and there. I am still toying with joining The 1962 Club which is in October and I’ve already signed up to Moomin reading week which is not until next year (but frankly any excuse to read Moomins, they’re so great, and maybe an excuse for a little splurge on Moomin merch). And maybe I can learn to be a bit less sniffy about audiobooks, which are more and more a part of my reading journey.

Happy reading, all. Here’s to a book-filled Autumn. My favourite season. May the leaves be papery and bright.

Posted in #20booksofsummer, #20booksofsummer23 | Tagged | 7 Comments

#20BooksofSummer23: how it’s going

Posted on July 31, 2023 by bookbii

Summer is disappearing at a pace and I’m reasonably confident I won’t be able to complete the 20 books of summer this year. With a month to go I am only just coming to the end of Titus Groan – book 1 of Gormenghast – which is book 9 of 20 books. If I achieve 15 it’d be a miracle but I doubt I’ll even manage 15. And you know what? That’s okay. Because I’ve been enjoying my summer reading. And I’ve been okay just reading. Since I went away I haven’t really felt the need to review anything, and that’s okay too. In fact it’s more than okay. It’s a good thing. It is nice to share the books I’ve read, I enjoy reading other people’s reading plans and their reviews. But more than anything it is nice to simply enjoy the books I read, to appreciate them. I know Gormenghast is going to take me a long time to read because it is dense and intricate and glorious, it needs time and attention and it deserves it. So that’s what I’m focused on. And if I want to review something I will and if not, if I don’t blog for a while, that’s also okay. I can take a break and it’s not a big deal.

Self-coaching is a life task.

So what have I been reading? When I last blogged I was up to book 4 of #20BooksofSummer23. In the interim I’ve read:

Books 5 to 7: The Balkan Trilogy by Olivia Manning

I took this chunkster, comprising 3 volumes, on my Norwegian cruise. I knew I wouldn’t be able to read it all but I read a fair amount of it, particularly on those sea days where there was little else I wanted to do. And it was a great choice for the cruise, a perfect summer read. Set in the early days of WWII, the story follows Harriet and Guy, newlywed, who are living in Romania. Guy teaches at the university. Harriet has little to do but adjust to life in a foreign country so is perfectly placed to reflect upon the events as the country slips closer and closer to the war. It was fascinating to see this subject develop through a non-UK lens, seeing how other countries negotiated their position and the impact on those so far from home, with little support and a heavy load of uncertainty. As things heat up in Romania, the couple end up fleeing to Greece where things are almost as tenuous.

As well as the uncertainty of war, Harriet is adjusting to a marriage which may have been somewhat hasty. Guy, the idealist, cushioned by his job and the security his position (and sex) engender has a very self-assured idea of how they should conduct their lives. Gregarious and extraverted, he spends his energy on the people around him but less so on his wife. Harriet, for her own part, is wracked with insecurities but more pragmatic and less easily fooled or taken advantage of. In a way it’s almost a kind of ‘Pride and Prejudice’ set up. Each are blinkered and snobbish in their own ways, yet somehow the marriage works. However, as Guy buries himself in work, his way of dealing with his own sense of insecurity, Harriet, feeling neglected, looks for other ways to find the companionship and sense of being loved that she sorely needs.

Surrounding Harriet and Guy are a cast of fascinating character, the most central of which is Prince Yakimov. Descended from Russian aristocracy he is a British subject very much down on his heels. A man who craves luxury and attention, the finest things in life, he is in a constant state of penuary, constantly reliant on his companions for loans (never repaid), hospitality and, in the case of Guy and Harriet, a roof over his head. When he has money he spends it on fine dining and alcohol. Not surprisingly his companions’ compassion often runs dry, but somehow he manages to keep himself afloat.

The Balkan Trilogy was a fascinating and surprisingly easy read. Manning has a light touch, she can convey a great deal about her characters with economy and insight. I wonder how much the book was modelled on her own experiences. Despite the 1000+ pages I read it in a couple of weeks and could happily read it again.

Book 8: Four Seasons in Japan by Nick Bradley

I read something about Four Seasons in Japan when lurking on Twitter when it was still possible and before it got X’ed into non-existence. Then I read Susan’s lovely review over on A Life in Books which only cemented my desire to read it. Fortunately my library had it on order and I had already possessed myself of a copy. I was so glad I did. I can’t add anything substantial to Susan’s lovely review, but it is a gorgeous little story within a story – so beautifully and cleverly framed and with an adorable cast of characters.

If you like books about Japan which involve an older/younger family member relationship, a grouchy granny, manga, mountains and art then you’ll definitely love this.

Solboller

Aside from reading I’ve been busying myself watching movies (Asteroid City is a firm recommend), baking Norwegian treats and I’ve started my journey with Zoe which I’m hoping, in the longer term, will help me regain some energy and mental focus, or at least help me to understand how to eat in a way which works better for my body. I still haven’t bought any books either, it’s been almost 8 months now, though I have been sorely tempted by these beauties (curse you Penguin) and these (and you, Pushkin Press). The Christmas list grows ever longer.

I might not be around here much but I am still reading blogs when I can. Stay safe, everyone, and keep reading. That’s exactly what I will be doing.

Posted in #20booksofsummer, #20booksofsummer23, A year of not buying books | Tagged | 9 Comments

[Interlude] A trip to Norway

Posted on July 10, 2023 by bookbii

I’ve been feeling a little burned out recently, too much to do and too little time and too much effort spent trying to keep things all together. I found myself becoming scattered, unable to focus. Headachy and tired. Compulsively making lists and still forgetting to do things. It’s been an unsettling few years. Covid, of course, has affected everyone. During Covid I changed jobs twice, after working for the same organisation for 24 years. However, I’m settled into my latest job and it feels like this is the one I will retire from. Then, in April, my brother died quite unexpectedly. He was 61 years old. He had a heart attack, and then a triple bypass which he survived. He was doing fine, they said he would be coming home, and then he stopped being able to breathe by himself. There was nothing more to be done. He was gone.

I wasn’t particularly close to my brother. He was 14 years older than me and there’d been some family problems when I was young and there was a long period when he was out of touch. When he was back in touch it was hard to bridge the gap of those years. We weren’t close, but I still cared about him and a part of me always thought he would be there, that perhaps there was a chance to bridge that gap after all. Now it will never be bridged.

My brother’s death pretty much broke me. I needed a rest. Attempts to book a family break failed and in the end, on a kind of crazy impulse, we booked a cruise, just my husband and I, to Norway. The idea being that I could have a proper break – no cooking, no cleaning, no working, no responsibilities at all. If I wanted to I could sit on our balcony looking out at the sea for 7 days (ha ha! Likely chance). The important point was I’d get chance to really wind down.

So did it work? Well, of a fashion. Before I went on the cruise I spoke to a bunch of people who love cruises and they said a cruise was like Marmite: you’d love it or hate it. My experience was somewhere in between. I liked it, but I wouldn’t be in a rush to do it again. That being said, if you like a holiday in which there is food on demand, group activities a-plenty, and long days in which you can just sit out and look out over the ocean, reading a good book, then there’s a lot to recommend it. For me there was too much sea and not enough time in port, and the timings of the fjord transits meant that a lot of the scenery was lost in the necessity of sleep. However, there is nothing quite like waking at six in the morning to this view outside your window:

Flåm

What I did discover, however, is that I LOVE NORWAY!!!!

What a country! Our trip took in the ports of Stavanger, Nordfjordeid, Flåm and Haugesund. Sadly our stop in Stavanger was on a Sunday so most of the shops were closed. On the plus side the bakeries were open and we were quickly introduced to the utter joy that is a strong cup of coffee coupled with delictible Norwegian baked goods.

Cake!

Coupled with some very friendly sparrows who were keen to share our goodies:

A sassy sparrow

And our wanderings took us to one of the loveliest libraries I have ever encountered:

Stavanger library

I would love to visit Stavanger again when it is open.

Nordfjordeid was my favourite stopping point, mostly because we lucked out with the weather and there were lovely, gentle walks which showed off the Norwegian countryside to its advantage. After a trip around town in which we bought more baked goods AND then stopped at a coffee house for apple cake and ice cream (yes, we ate a great deal of baked treats), I went for a wander by myself up to a (rather disappointing) waterfall and then by the river. Later my husband and I walked by the river again, stopping to rest and listen to the crystalline waters flow by.

Nordfjordeid

In Flåm the weather was more moody, which was perfect for highlighting the dramatic mountains and the pretty, bowl-shaped valley in which the tiny town is nestled. There isn’t a great deal to do in Flåm other than take the railway or go for walks. We eschewed the idea of any organised trips, all they seemed to do was take you away from the place you’d visited, so instead we hiked up to the waterfall at Brekkefossen. It’s a steep hike, but extremely rewarding. No disappointing waterfalls here.

Brekkefossen

After inadvertently collecting a pair of goats it was back to the boat for a scenic trip back down Sonjefjord. Sadly we didn’t get to the end of the fjord before nighttime (such as it is, it stayed light well into the night) and after a days hiking sleep came on pretty easily.

Sassy goats

The last stop was Haugesund, a town based around their fishing industry (herring), replete with many boats and a nice shopping area. We visited the Haraldshaugen monument, which memorialises the unification of Norway under Harald Fairhair in the year 933. And yes, even more baked goods were consumed this day!

Haraldshaugen

And the last day was a drizzly day at sea, which was perfect for catching up on my reading and relaxing before the long drive home from Southampton.

Some light holiday reading

I absolutely adored Norway, it has so much to recommend it. Everywhere we went was clean, the people are so friendly and decent. English is spoken pretty much everywhere we stopped (perhaps not surprising for cruise liner reliant ports). Every town however small had atleast 1 bookshop, and the libraries in both Stavanger and Haugesund were well-stocked and well-used. No books for me this trip, my book buying ban is universal, but it was nice to encounter a place where reading is still such a big part of daily life. The bakeries were to die for! Not just the sweet treats, but the bread was amazing too. All baked on the premises. It made me kind of sad that in the UK we seem to have adopted the industrial food complex at the expense of smaller, more artisnal products and somehow don’t see this as a sacrifice. I think we would rather have the choice of 50 so-so things, rather than one really good thing. Maybe that’s not the same everywhere, but I struggle to think where the nearest bakery is producing goods as appealing as these.

Of course Norway is rather expensive, each of those buns cost about £3.50 – £4.00, but frankly they were worth it.

In the absence of a decent local bakery I was inspired, instead, to try my hand at making kanelboller or, to the English tongue, cinnamon buns. I’m pleased to say that my first attempt turned out pretty okay, and I’ll be having a go at skoleboller next and, at my husband’s request, eplekake (apple cake).

I came back from my trip pretty well refreshed. I am still not exactly okay, I am not sure if/when I will ever get over my brother’s untimely death, or if I even want to. Maybe I have to accept I have simply been changed by it, that some sadness will always linger, and a heavy dose of regret. But I think my trip has helped me remember that life is here to be lived, that we must experience it in all its ups and downs and try to live as best we can. My brother’s undiagnosed heart condition has made me more aware of the need to stay on top of my health, but his death has also reminded me that some little treats that bring a bit of joy into life are also necessary. And sometimes we just need to look out on the indifferent sea and accept that there are some things we cannot control, some things we can never change, and that’s going to have to be okay. That’s life. It’s enough.

Posted in personal reflection | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

The Country Girls Trilogy by Edna O’Brien #20booksofsummer23 books 2 to 4

Posted on July 3, 2023 by bookbii

The Country Girls trilogy is a set of books written by Edna O’Brien charting the early years of a young Irish girl, Caithleen, and her friend Baba and their lives and what they get up to. I picked up these startling copies at my local secondhand bookshop, when it existed before Covid. Now it is just a shopfront with the ghosts of books inside it. So sad. However I have these lovely books in remembrance at least.

The focus of the book is Caithleen, Cait, who is a teenager living on a rundown old farm with her mother, who she adores, a drunken leery father who takes all their money and goes off drinking and gambling, and the farm help, a man named Hickey who does everything her mother can’t manage. From the beginning there is a sense of love and doom. Her mother cossets the young Cait who is naive and docile and easily led by her sharper minded friend Baba. The girl is terrified of her father, terrified that he’ll come home and hit her mother and steal the money they’ve eked out of what is left of the farm, which is exactly what happens fairly early on in the story.

Despite the chaos of her existence, Cait does well at school and she is cared for and loved, not just by her mother but by Hickey and others in the village. Typically, however, there are lecherous, predatory old dudes everywhere, and Cait, with her softness and pliability, seems to attract them all. Of most interest to her is the foreign, slightly mysterious ‘Mr. Gentleman’, who has a mournful face and a wife he does not seem to like. Somehow he always has eyes for Cait.

It all goes wrong, or worse I might say, after her father comes home from a binge and wrecks havoc in their home. When Cait gets home, having been told that day she has won a scholorship for a convent school, she finds her mother has gone, apparently to stay with family, and she is left alone with Hickey and her crazy, drunken father. Fortunately there is always Baba’s house, and later that evening she goes to the makeshift cinema with Baba and Baba’s parents. The sense of foreboding lingers:

“The hall was almost dark. Curtains of black cloth had been put over the windows and pinned to the window-frames at the four corners. The light from the six oil-lamps at the front of the stage barely showed people to their seats. Two of the lamps smoked and the globes were black. I looked back to see if there was any sign of Hickey. I looked through the row of chairs, then along the rows of stools behind the chairs, and farther back still I searched with my eyes along the plants that were laid on porter barrels. He was at the end of the last row of planks with Maisie next to him. The cheapest seats. They were laughing. The back of the hall was full of girls laughing. Girls with curly hair, girls with shiny black coils of it, like bunches of elderberries, falling on to their shoulders, girls with moist blackberry eyes; smirking and talking and waiting.”

Cait never gets to see the film, tragedy strikes and instead she finds herself packed off to boarding school with a reluctant Baba. Whilst academically Cait thrives at the school, emotionally and mentally she suffers. Baba, always keen to lead her astray, convinces her to commit some act of infamy in order to get them expelled. The act succeeds and the girls are sent home. The outcome is worse that she expected, her father – drunk as usual – hits her, forcing Baba’s parents to intervene.

The girls end up moving to Dublin and living in a poor boarding house run by a German woman called Joanna. Here they find freedom and entertainment, or is it? Cait has a job in a grocery store. Baba goes to college. At night they go out drinking, meeting men and having awful dates. It is then that Cait starts to see more of Mr Gentleman, the older married man who has always shown a particular interest in her. Guess you can see what’s coming, eh?

In the second book, The Girl With Green Eyes, Cait and Mr Gentleman are no more. However, Cait finds a new older man to adore – this one is Eugene, a divorcee and maker of documentary movies. He is glamerous, in her eyes, worldly and experienced. The book follows their relationship, the ructions that surround it, the reaction of her father, the priest (yikes). The way Eugene behaves towards Cait is both tender and dismissive. He has a habit of calling her fat and being rather rude and controlling. Yet she loves him. But she is also young, feckless and inexperienced. She does not have the emotional maturity to manage such a relationship. She is jealous and sulky, wracked with self-doubt and insecurity. This, not surprisingly, leads to a breakdown of the relationship. At the end of the book, Eugene has left her and she and Baba try their luck in England.

In the final book, Girls in Their Married Bliss, both girls are now married, to greater and lesser success. This time we also get Baba’s viewpoint, a more direct, unforgiving and pragmatic voice. The story charts the progress of their marriages. You might guess all is not as blissful as the title suggests.

This trilogy of books was controversial when published dealing, as it does, so frankly with the desires of young girls and so critically with the desires and controlling ways of men, and the church. There is a sense that all Cait really wants is to be loved, to feel loved and secure, which she never does. To achieve this she gives away all her gifts – her talent, her intelligence – to men that don’t really deserve it, or rather who are canny enough to exploit it. Ignorance is the name of the day: keep girls unprepared for life, meanwhile the men do as they please, behave as boorishly and uncontrollably as they like and no one says a peep. The men definitely come off badly in these books, the men and the church that props them up. Despite her father’s manic drinking and wasteful ways, he is constantly referred to by others as ‘a good man’ and the priests refuse to condemn him. Cait, however, being independent and making her own choices is constantly criticised, adding to her lack of self-worth.

What is extraordinary about this trilogy, though perhaps its more true to say of the first two books of the trilogy, is the quality of the writing and the beautifully evocative way in which O’Brien renders the society into which Cait is born and has to navigate. She is insightful and writes with a clarity that is neither sentimental nor judgemental, rather the judgement is revealed to the reader by a writer who is unflinching in her gaze:

“It is the only time that I am thankful for being a woman, that time of evening, when I draw the curtains, take off my old clothes and prepare to go out. Minute by minute the excitement grows. I brush my hair under the light and the colours are autumn leaves in the sun. I shadow my eyelids with black stuff and am astonished by the look of mystery it gives my eyes. I hate being a woman. Vain and shallow and superficial. Tell a woman that you love her and she’ll ask you to write it down, so that she can show it to her friends. But I am happy at that time of night. I feel tender towards the world, I pet the wallpaper as if it were white rose petals, flushed pink at the edges; I pick up my old, tired shoes and they are silver flowers that some man has laid outside my door. I kissed myself in the mirror and ran out of the room, happy and hurried and suitably mad.”

However, this definitely peters out in the third book and I found Girls in Their Married Bliss much more pedestrian and less evocative or insightful. I am not sure it added much other than misery to the story; by this point Cait has become tedious, her frailties overblown. I liked the introduction of Baba’s voice and personality and yet it lacked force or originality. In the end I was glad to make it through the final book, and couldn’t help feeling that it was written, perhaps, more at the publisher’s behest rather than O’Brien having more to say about these two girls. And perhaps it carries the weight of being less of a ‘Bildungsroman’ and more the real drudgery of a life that, in the end, was typified by a need for something society would never allow it to have: freedom and security, an opportunity for growth and self-realisation. All nipped in the bud by a patriarchal society that ultimately saw women as something to be used and controlled.

Posted in #20booksofsummer23, Bildungsroman, female writers, fiction, irish writers, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 7 Comments